| Sometimes, going no contact with your wayward | | | | gives you time to deal with the curveball you've been |
| partner is the best approach. No contact means just | | | | thrown. Not many people can face infidelity and not be |
| that; no seeing each other in person, no talking on the | | | | deeply affected. You need time to take care of |
| phone, email, text, no messages through the children or | | | | yourself so make sure you get it. It also gives them a |
| others, no smoke signals, nothing. This is done for a | | | | chance to see what their life will soon be. They want a |
| few reasons but the most important are for the | | | | divorce? Well, then, let them experience what it will be |
| safety and healing of the betrayed partner as they try | | | | like NOW. |
| and regain control of their own lives. In addition, | | | | But the most important part about this visitation |
| however, it seems to also have an effect on the | | | | schedule is this: You MUST make yourself unavailable |
| wayward partner, causing them to see things through | | | | to your wayward partner and the children during this |
| new eyes or perhaps it helps push them off the fence. | | | | time. When you don't have your children, don't answer |
| There's nothing more eye opening to a fence-sitter | | | | the phone and try and not be home (or at least lay |
| than having one of their options suddenly taken away. | | | | low so it gives the appearance you're busy). It doesn't |
| There he/she is, perched high up on their fence, | | | | matter if your plans are a trip to Wal-Mart for bug |
| studiously observing and comparing both sides, thinking | | | | spray and toenail fungus spray. BE GONE AND |
| that although they have a very big decision to make | | | | UNAVAILABLE. |
| that will affect the rest of their lives, it's really nice that | | | | With almost certainty, your wayward partner will notice |
| they have so much time to weigh their options and | | | | these changes in you and they begin to wonder and |
| make the correct choice. Well, imagine their surprise | | | | think. They see that you've crawled out of your pit of |
| when suddenly you take away their safety net AND | | | | despair and are now pleasant and happy again. They |
| one of their options, all in one fell swoop! Here's how it | | | | see you being active and social. This makes them |
| works: | | | | wonder what's up. You will most likely begin to get |
| First of all, no contact with your wayward partner isn't | | | | questioned by them as they now are beginning to |
| the same as the no contact you expect from your | | | | notice the changes. They might not be word for word, |
| wayward partner and his/her affair partner. That kind | | | | but they will most definitely be something similar to |
| of no contact means exactly as it sounds...NO | | | | these: |
| CONTACT WHATSOEVER. This no contact is | | | | How are you? |
| determined by the betrayed partner. In other words, | | | | Where were you? |
| you get to pick all the terms, ie. when, where, how, and | | | | Who were you with? |
| content. | | | | What were you doing? |
| Second, don't tell your wayward partner what your | | | | Now, here are the answers you need to use to make |
| intentions are. This will most likely cause the entire plan | | | | this exercise effective. |
| to blow up in your face. They didn't inform you they | | | | How are you? FINE (It's important to not reciprocate |
| were going to cheat on you first, did they? Then put | | | | their questions. Act like you don't care.) |
| away those feelings of guilt! | | | | Where were you? OUT |
| The best way to implement this plan is to use caller ID | | | | Who were you with? NO ONE YOU WOULD KNOW |
| as much as possible. | | | | What were you doing? JUST STUFF. If they persist |
| DO NOT answer their calls 75% of the time. If it | | | | tell them: STUFF YOU AREN'T INTERESTED IN. |
| doesn't relate to the children or finances, don't bother | | | | This creates a little mystery and turns the tables on |
| calling them back. Now, of course you want the | | | | them. Remember to be as nice as you can be when |
| children to have an active, healthy relationship with their | | | | you give these answers. Be vague but truthful. |
| other parent, so it's okay if you answer the phone | | | | Wal-Mart is out, right? And the cashier probably is |
| once in a while. It's also okay to have your kids answer | | | | someone he wouldn't know, right? See? It may seem |
| the phone directly when it's their other parent calling | | | | like a game but you're not fibbing really. You're just |
| just make sure you don't let yourself be called to the | | | | creating mystery. |
| phone. If you feel like it is placing the kids in the middle, | | | | Another effective technique to add to the above is to |
| then by all means MAKE YOURSELF BUSY | | | | change something about yourself, like hair color or cut, |
| INTENTIONALLY when you see their name flash | | | | new outfit, paint your nails, wear a new scent, grow a |
| across the caller ID. All it should take is a message to | | | | beard, etc.. They will notice in a heartbeat but don't |
| the child when they call you to the phone, "No, I can't | | | | ever point it out yourself. Make them inquire if they |
| come to the phone right now. Please tell them you | | | | want to know. And trust me, they do. |
| have my permission to take a message for me." The | | | | Most of the time, you will reach one of two outcomes. |
| point is to make yourself unavailable. | | | | Either the marriage will end and you're already that |
| Remember, the next time you graciously decide to | | | | much further down the road to recovery. You've |
| take their call, DO NOT discuss anything except the | | | | distanced yourself enough from them to begin healing |
| children and finances. No feelings should be discussed, | | | | and planning for your own future. Or, they will |
| especially from the betrayed partner. NONE. NONE. | | | | re-evaluate their situation and realize exactly what |
| NONE. Got that? But please, by all means be as | | | | they are about to throw away. They get knocked off |
| sweet as you can be. Be kind and caring but | | | | the fence, so to speak. Regardless of which option |
| impersonal. Give no personal information about | | | | they choose (and remember that you have options as |
| yourself. Answer their questions, say what you have | | | | well) one thing is certain. It will help your own healing |
| to say, and hang up. That's it. Don't ever cry, beg, or | | | | process by giving you a much needed boost of |
| show any negative emotion. | | | | self-esteem exactly when you need it. It will help you |
| Now it's time to set up a visitation schedule which | | | | pull back and evaluate the situation for what it really is |
| most people do when separating or divorcing anyway. | | | | and give you clarity to make the best decision for you. |
| Try to make it at least one week night and alternate | | | | This is not a game and it really does work. |
| weekends. This also has multiple advantages. First, it | | | | |